If there’s anyone that truly embodies the spirit and defining characteristics of thekcmothership.com – bankruptcy and credit card fraud, embezzlement, identity theft, forgery, grand theft auto, driving while intoxicated, indecent exposure, sexual harassment/assault, marital infidelity, spousal abuse, blatant racism/homophobia, and rampant drug use — Leonard Kyle Dykstra is the man.

It pains me to say that this list is not even slightly exaggerated.  When I read over these characteristics, I now know what Professor Gerald Lambeau from Good Will Hunting must have been feeling when he realized that no matter how hard he tried, he would never match the unrivaled brilliance of the young title character, Will Hunting.  Upon this realization, Professor Lambeau turned to Will and said in a defeated and melancholy tone, “Sometimes I wish I had never met you.  Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.”

I have these same feelings when it comes to Lenny Dykstra.  The feelings are very bittersweet – kind of like meeting a cute chick with a giant cock.  On the one hand, he truly is a pioneer.  He has blazed a path for all of us to follow.  However, that path cuts very deep and is one that is nearly impossible to finish.  We can set out on the journey, but we must know, that no matter how hard we try, we will never make it as far as good ole Nails.  And that is a tough pill to swallow.

Even if I was to intravenously inject a heroic dose of low-purity crystallized methamphetamines, solicit sex from a diseased Apache shemale, and release a slow acting nerve agent on an unsuspecting Lamaze class, I feel that would still pale in comparison to some of the stunts and hi-jinx that Nails has pulled off.  So why bother, ya know?  Sometimes, it’s almost too hard to get out of bed in the morning knowing that you’ll never be as great as someone else.  I think I’m going to self-mutilate tonight.  But enough about me.

Nails, whose nickname stems from his hard-charging ways while playing for the Mets and Phillies in the late 80’s and early 90’s, was finally sentenced to three years in California state prison today for his association in a high-end, luxury grand theft auto case.  Lenny, now aged 49, initially pled not guilty to 25 counts after the fuzz arrested him and found HGH, ecstasy, and a felonious amount of the Devil’s Dandruff.  Lenny accepted a plea agreement and had 21 of the 25 charges dismissed, as long as he pled no contest to the remaining four.

As you can imagine, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it cums to his legal issues.  He is still facing a plethora of bankruptcy fraud and embezzlement charges in connection to his 2009 bankruptcy petition where he listed $50,000 of assets and over $50,000,000 of liabilities.  Think about that:  he was underwater by $49,950,000.  The federal bankruptcy trustee has alleged that Dykstra hid or stole assets totaling $400,000 (including a $50,000 sink he allegedly stole from one of his former houses) from the bankruptcy estate.  Each charge carries a maximum of five years in prison, a $500,000 fine and a revocation of the bankruptcy discharge.

But Lenny’s troubles aren’t all white-collar crimes.  Monica Foster, an ebony and Christian adult film star/escort (http://www.monicaf.com/), accused our protagonist of writing bad checks and hurling racial insults at her in December of 2010 after she performed a series of unnamed sex acts on him.  In my opinion, that one is on her.  Every working girls knows that the only acceptable forms of payment are:  certified funds or cocaine-laced twenty dollar bills hurled at you in disgust.  And, unless he was mainlining Valtrex during their interlude, I think they should call that one even, unless she wants a counter-suit against her for knowingly inflicting grievous bodily harm by swapping her low-T-cell-count-bodily-fluids with our hero.

A month later, in January of 2011, Dykstra’s longtime housekeeper accused him of sexual assault, alleging that he forced her to give him oral pleasures every Saturday.  There was no mention of any sacsual activity during the work week.  That’s my man, separating bidniss from pleasure.

Eight months later in August of 2011, Dykstra was charged with indecent exposure.  Apparently, Lenny would place ads on Craigslist seeking housekeeping services, and when the housekeepers would show up, they would find Mr. Dykstra in the doorway with the lower half of his bathrobe casually undone requesting massage services.  Come on, Lenny.  You’re slipping in your old age.  You should have at least pulled a nylon over your face so they couldn’t identify you later.  Everyone knows that.

If convicted of all of the bankruptcy-related charges alone, Nails could spend the next 80 years behind bars.  This is a travesty.  This man should be lionized, not incarcerated.  I call on my fellow members of TheKCMothership.com to join me in making Lenny Dykstra our pen pal.  Pen pals are great.  I’ve got several Cantonese pen pals with little-to-no body hair that I met on rentboy.com last year.  Each month, a mothership member will pen a letter to Lenny letting him know that we are rooting for him and keeping him in our thoughts.  We can also send some cigarettes and a nail file so he gain favor with the white supremacists early, in order to gain protection so the Sisters don’t corner him in an abandoned laundry room and have their way with him.  The Sisters love celebrities.