The Volt
By now, I’m sure you all have heard a little bit about John Travolta’s run-ins with a few masseurs in the Southern California area. If you haven’t had a chance to read over the originally-filed complaint, I would highly suggest doing so. It is extremely entertaining.
The scandal is only in the second week, and already, 2 of the 3 masseurs have dismissed their lawsuits. So before the third masseur gets a sizable annuity to drop the remaining complaint, I thought I would memorialize some of the allegations before this becomes a distant memory. The sentences below in quotations and bold print are actually taken from the complaint. I’m not sensationalizing them. The only thing I tried to do was edit out a lot of the legalese to make it easier to read. Other than that, everything is verbatim. So let’s break this puppy down.
“Plaintiff (the masseur) was working in Beverly Hills as a personal massage therapist. He worked through a series of professionally themed ads in locally accessed magazines and websites.”
I think I saw one of his ads in Inches Magazine.
“Defendant (Travolta) called Plaintiff’s cell phone and requested a massage for $200.00 per hour. He told Plaintiff to go to a specific street and that a private car would pick up Plaintiff. Defendant picked up Plaintiff in a black Lexus SUV. There were Trojan condoms in the console of the vehicle and there appeared to be 2 or 3 wrappers from chocolate cake packages on the floor of the SUV.”
One should always keep in mind that you can’t go cruising for rentboys without a tummy full of Eskimo Pies and a console full of skeet-diapers.
“Defendant parked the Lexus outside of the Beverly Hills Hotel and went to one of the bungalows where an overweight black man was preparing hamburgers. Defendant stripped naked in front of Plaintiff and the chef, and was gazing at Plaintiff, as he appeared to be semi-erect.”
This is how most of my teenage fantasies started off, except the onlooker wasn’t an obese black chef grilling burgers, but a maladjusted Guatemalan exchange student preparing sweet corn tamales.
“For the first hour the massage was without incident other than he kept purposely sliding the towel down that covered his buttocks. This occurred over 10 times in the first hour.”
Come on, can’t a brotha get a fist-assist?
“At the end of the first hour, the black chef covered the burgers and left the room.”
Pre-massage message to the chef: Um yeah, once the flagrant penetration begins, we’re going to be flinging ejaculatory fluids all over the place, so make sure those burgers get covered up before you go, will ya chief? Thanks, boss.
“Defendant started to rub Plaintiff’s leg. Then Defendant touched Plaintiff’s scrotum. Defendant apologized, but then snickered to himself like a mischievous child. Defendant then touched the shaft of Plaintiff’s penis, and seized on to it. Defendant quickly tried to rub the head of Plaintiff’s penis as he tried to pull away. Defendant tried to apologize and tried to imply that they must gotten their signals crossed.”
This allegedly occurred at 1 p.m. on January 16, 2012, which just happened to be a Monday. I find that the most astonishing part of the whole story. I don’t know about you, but I’m usually at work at that hour, debating whether or not to play tic-tac-toe on my forearm with a razorblade, not wiggling my fist around in another gentleman’s underpants. Just another reason to make me bitter about the fact that I’ll never be rich and famous.
“Defendant then sat up on the table and asked Plaintiff to switch places and do a reverse massage. Plaintiff resisted and Defendant responded by saying, ‘Come on dude, I’ll jerk you off.’”
John Boy, the dude already rebuffed your aggressive hand copulation efforts. The guy can diddle himself any day of the week. You gotta offer him something he can’t do alone. May I recommend pulling it back between his legs and twisting him off using his scrotal jelly as lubricant?
“Defendant asked Plaintiff to work on his shoulders and requested Plaintiff to say something nice to him. Plaintiff looked down at Defendant, who had removed his draping and was masturbating.”
Something nice: John, I want to lay with you in an abandoned wheat field, with the sun gazing upon us, cheek-to-cheek, where I can smell the coffee on your breath, and feel your coarse beard stubble rub against my velvety skin, as I whisper into your ear, “don’t pull out.”
“Defendant’s penis was fully erect and was roughly 8 inches in length and his pubic hair was wirey and unkempt. Sweat was pouring down his neck.”
Masturbating feverishly is hard work, especially when you are lugging around 8 inches, so give the guy a break for sweating profusely and looking a little disheveled. How do you think you’d look after perpetrating a violent sex crime upon someone else?
“Plaintiff moved away from Defendant, and then lumbered to his feet and began to move towards Plaintiff with erect penis bouncing around with its stride.”
Seems like he was just about to break into the Pulp Fiction dance.
“Defendant told Plaintiff that he got where he is now due to sexual favors he had performed when he was in his ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ days. Defendant continued, Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors to be returned.”
Translation: I never went to college, so in order to climb the corporate ladder, I let the diamond merchants that run this town savagely penetrate every orifice in my body to get to where I am today.
“Defendant then went on to say how he had done things in the past that would make most people throw up.”
Lemme guess, he took a bukkake-tsunami on his face, which was freckeled with various shaving cuts, from several men carrying infectious disease?
“Defendant explained when he started that he wasn’t even gay and that the taste of cum would make him gag. Defendant said he was smart enough to learn to enjoy it.”
Apparently, John taught Alanis Morissette how to chug.
“Plaintiff told defendant to get dressed and either drive him back or he was calling the cops. Strangely, D’s penis was still semi erect and he had to struggle to get it back into his underwear.”
It’s tough to keep a solid rod while you’re negotiating boundaries. Tip of the cap.
“Defendant said, ‘no problem.’ He will ‘find new friends.’”
“Defendant told him Hollywood is all about giving and getting, and that he knew a Hollywood starlet in the building that wanted three way sex and to be double penetrated. Defendant continued by saying that they first needed to have sex with each other so they would be in-sync sexually.”
Oh yeah bro, we’re definitely going to throw that strumpet on the rotisserie, but first, how about you and I engage in a little colon carnage so we can get a feel for one another? C’mon, whaddya say?
“Defendant told Plaintiff he had Hollywood looks but just needed to lose some weight and learn to lick some ass.”
Yeah, just pop a few handfuls of appetite suppressants and let some well-connected Hymie take a latke dump on your chin, and you’ll be a star in no time, kid.
